The Giving of the Hand

I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man accompanies it.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the comments section of a wonderful recent article entitled "Catholics, Awake! Marriage Doesn't Just Happen!" by Dr. Anthony Esolen, reader "Matt H" had this to say:

Holding hands is a sign of human intimacy and the desire to touch (not just sexually) another human that you feel connected with. This is why I am don't like the forced hand holding during the Our Father in some parishes. Its not a real nor a natural desire to hold hand with others you don't know. Its contrived and uncomfortable for people that are now made to feel not in communion with others if they don't hold hands at this time.

Upon reading this comment, I immediately had two thoughts.

My first thought was: what a shame that in today's world, this uncomfortable lack of communion among parishioners exists at all, such that we would even feel the need to attempt the artificial remedy of holding hands!  It is a pity that Catholics (at least in America) often know little or nothing about their fellow parishioners these days.  One of the great blessings of the Church is Her universality--you can go to Mass anywhere in the world, be a total stranger to everyone there and yet join in the same worship of God, profess the same Faith and be united through the same communion with Jesus.  But just because the Church is universal does not give us an excuse to make our parishes impersonal.  We have to do something about it; the question is, where to start?

I'm not sure if there is a "best" answer to that question.  As a practical suggestion, maybe we could proactively introduce ourselves to at least one new person from our parish every week, learn their name and their story, and try to keep in touch with them throughout the year, if only after Sunday Mass.  If everyone did that, parishioners wouldn't remain strangers for long.  Even better, get involved in different parish "ministries" and groups.  I am convinced that to strengthen friendships  and communities demands at some point sharing some common activity, venture or mission together; there's only so far your friendship can go if all you're doing together is hanging out and talking, crucial as those aspects are.  Nothing salvages a struggling community better than an endeavor undertaken in common, in community--in communion.

And if parishioners were truly friends, if one's parish was an authentic family, then there wouldn't be a need for anything "contrived," because you're right, Matt H., it's "not a...natural desire to hold hand[s] with others you don't know."



Which brings me to my second thought, which is the real point of this post.

"I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man accompanies it."  These words are attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Sadly, I do not know the context of this quote.  Emerson may have been talking about simply giving or lending a hand, in which case these words would apply to impersonal, loveless and often forced "charity"--for example, increased taxes so that a government program which has little personal investment in the actual well-being of the poor (other than buying their votes) can pretend to take care of the poor so we don't have to bother.  I can understand why Emerson would hate that kind of "giving a hand," also known as a "handout."

But for the purposes of this post, we can think of Emerson's words as condemning insincere handshakes.  Or selfish marriages.

Let me explain myself.

Signs and symbols stand for and point to deeper realities, like a kind of shorthand.  A hippie peace sign stands for absence of conflict.  We use the shape of a heart as the symbol of love, because of the full feeling we have in the area of our heart when in the presence of someone we truly love.

Now, natural signs are signs that by their very nature signify or point to certain deeper realities.  When a natural sign is used, but the deeper reality that it signifies is not actually present, then that natural sign or symbol is a lie.  For example, it is a lie to passionately kiss somebody that you do not deeply love, because a kiss is by nature a sign of love.  (Remember like vs. love?)  Sadly, this is often forgotten in friendships and dating relationships, resulting in situations wherein friends share expressions of affection that represent a level of love and commitment they don't have in reality.  It's like writing someone a check for $1,000,000 when you only have $1,000 in your account.  It's a lie, even if well-intentioned--you might honestly want to give someone a million bucks despite only having a thousand, but it's still a fraud.

And as such, it usually has devastating results.

I have seen relationships that have gotten too physical too fast, and the results were downright nasty: nasty breakups with nasty drama continuing for years, with closure and healing almost nowhere in sight.  And by "too physical" I don't mean sexual; in fact to my knowledge all the nasty breakups that come to my mind were between "good" Catholics who never "went too far" in their relationship.

That's because, despite the current meaning of that euphemism, you don't have to fornicate to "go too far."  It's like I said: making out with somebody whom you merely have a crush on, or even with someone who is just beginning to be your friend, whom you're just starting to get to know (philosophers: think "friendship of pleasure"), is a lie and a fraud, a false beacon luring a ship to wreck upon a rocky coast.  Why?  Because passionate kissing is a natural symbol of love.

In fact, depending on the circumstances of the relationship, even something as seemingly harmless as one's conversation--telling somebody "I love you" when actually you just "like" them, for example--can be going too far.  I have had to guard my own speech regarding this, and thanks be to God I believe I can sincerely say to all my friends to whom I have said, "I love you": it really is true.  But I have certainly been tempted in the past to do what everybody else is doing these days: telling someone "I love you" for the sake of strengthening an emotional attachment between that person and oneself, when in fact the love that should naturally underlie such attachment is just not there (yet).

Which brings us back to Matt H's comment.  He said, very insightfully, that holding hands is a sign of "human intimacy," of being "connected with" the other person.  And if in fact that level of connection and oneness is not already there, then holding hands can be a lie just as can kissing or amorous conversation--or any other action meant to express love.

We're going about things backwards.  We want the feelings without the reality--or the commitment that comes with it.  Or else, we hope that if we can make the other person feel in love with us, eventually they will come to actually love us.  And despite our good intentions, we're playing a dangerous game.  Because another person's emotions and affections are not a game.  A priest I know often says of fornication, and I paraphrase, "You led your boyfriend or girlfriend into sin, jeopardizing their eternal happiness and yours, because you say you love them?  A fine love that is!  Love does not put another in danger of losing their immortal soul--that is hate."  Sure, holding hands does not endanger one's immortal soul as fornication or adultery do.  But artificially creating emotional attachments without the necessary degree of love to back them up, and then risking the extremely likely possibility that the relationship will break up, causing immeasurable damage and leaving scars for life--that is no way to treat your friends.  And everybody's doing it.

Don't be that guy.  ("Guy" as used here is gender-neutral; I'm not sexist.)

So take Dr. Esolen's excellent advice, but with a grain of salt.  (But maybe you didn't click on the earlier link to his article; if not, here it is again.)  Yes, by all means keep alive the time-honored traditions of courtship like holding hands.  Just remember: those traditions took into account the various stages of relationships and allowed for certain expressions of affection based on the reality of the degree of love expressed.  (Translation: You should hold hands when your friendship has matured to that stage of commitment that holding hands expresses, and not before.)  Despite what the hook-up culture tells us, we shouldn't completely give ourselves to another human being all at once.  That's not how relationships are meant to work.  You can't force it, or you're setting yourself up for disaster.  So take it nice and easy.  Nice 'n' easy does it every time.